How deep is your relationship to your ego?

One reason why I love to to go on cycling trips so much, is because it teaches me a lot about pretty much anything in life. Pedalling up and down, far and wide became a Metaphor I can fit into many challenging situations. And when I don’t know where to go with my life cycling up a mountain usually gets me back on track. As soon as I reach the top, drenched in my own sweat, I do find the answer I was looking for.

Sometimes it is answers I need and in other moments I am looking for the right question to ask. Meanwhile I am constantly balancing out the relationship I have to me ego. How much space I give my ego to push me further. And when it is time to turn inwards and be humble instead of demanding.

Somewhere on the last 30kilometres I loose all joy for cycling. The clouds are weighing heavy and gray on my mind. The air is freezing my mood and my body. My legs are heavy and no matter how much I try to enjoy the music, even my favourite song sounds dull and uninspiring. I try to sing along but grasp for air. No more strength nor motivation to keep cycling.

I had come that far, I had almost reached my destination, yet these last kilometres felt like a painful eternity. How would I ever be able to reach the end of this?

Eventually I stop pretending. I turn of the music. I take it all as it is. Cold and endless. And I start talking to myself. “If I expect others to talk to me or enjoy my company, shouldn’t I be able to enjoy my own company first?” I wonder. Suddenly I am wrapped up into an ongoing conversation with myself. First I cause about my mood and wether I was being to hard on myself or not. Further I start to go through all the recent events I have been through. Just to notice that instead of being grumpy I could actually be just proud of myself. Proud to have made it all the way by myself by bike in November.

Even the depressing endless suburbs, I enter, don’t have any affect on me, at first. Until eventually they start inspiring my ego. A pinch of arrogance creeps in, about how cool and strong I am to have cycled all the way. I pass long streets high buildings and cross countless traffic lights. More and more people are driving in their cars or walking on the footpath.
Then I start to talk the inconveniences down. “It wasn’t that bad.” And “Maybe I should cycle further up north… How bad can it be?”

When I arrive at these thoughts, I stop at the traffic light. Listening to some Gangster-Rap of a guy that surely also had a very inspired ego when he wrote that song. My shoes get entangled in the pedals why I am not able to put them on the floor. Me and my whole heavy bike smash sideways to the floor.

First I want to start crying as I hobble across the street. But after a few deep breaths I understand.
That’s exactly what life gives you for arrogance. A punch in the face. And it works. I calm down. I know I can be proud of myself and at the same time know that I am not invincible. I appreciate that I have made it all the way and know that I have to have a break now.
Calm, proud and kind to myself and everyone around I cycle the last kilometres.

Maybe the funny thing about the ego we all have is, that you don’t always know it is there. Sometimes it can take days or years for you to realise that wasn’t really you deciding in your best interest. But your ego trying to get it’s way with you.

But then how do you keep in check with that? How do you know if it’s your better halve advising you what to do, or your ego trying to have it’s quick way to pleasure or cheep achievement?

I don’t have all the answers to my own questions. Yet I know that whenever I am cycling the consequences of my thoughts and actions are instant, literally.

Any arrogance slaps me in my face the moment I tap into it. My ego getting loud is shut up and put back into it’s place right away.

How do you keep a reflective relationship to your ego?

Thanks for stopping by, have a lovely Thursday!

All photos and words are owned by ©kesityu taken and written by myself.