Not My Shoulder
Listen, I have asked Vanetta to pop round after school for a playdate with the Little Boom. That ok?
The Good Lady asked in that way of ladies who ask things but never require a question mark.
Vanetta... Which one's that, the one with the blonde hair?
I asked with a desperate twinge of hope as I fiddled absent-mindedly with one of my guitars.
No, it's not her. I don't think you have met Vanetta. Anyway, she seemed a bit down so I thought I would get her over for a coffee and a chat and see if I could lend her a shoulder.
Thie Good Lady tried her best not to look over-saintly despite the appearance of a halo and the faint outline of wings materialising around her.
I harrumphed. Damn, it wasn't the blonde one, how come it's never the blonde one? Then I brightened.
So, we need to cheer her up a bit eh? Perhaps we could get her upstairs for a bit of a shag? That will brighten her day surely?
I made a deep MOHOHOHOWHAAAR noise and grinned happily at the Good Lady. I was never one to turn down a random shag. Especially with someone who was feeling down. Nothing puts a spring in your step quite like shagging someone who is a bit down.
Also, what better way to lift the spirits than to have a bit of Boom inside you?
Oh god, here we go... No, we are not shagging her. There will be no shagging. I am inviting her around for a cup of coffee and a natter. The kids are having a playdate. What are you like?
She tutted and shook her head.
I pfftt'd lightly as if I were being asked to sing about the crawdads in the creek again.
So, no shagging?
No.
Hmm, no talking about shagging then either I presume?
Definitely no talking about shagging. Keep it clean.
I huffed with resignation. Like a tall man on a budget aeroplane boarding and seeing his seat.
What about vaginismus, surely I can drop that in the conversation?
I didn't play the vaginismus trump card lightly but needs must as they say.
What the hell is vaginismus!?!
The Good Lady sputtered with visible annoyance at me no doubt for not taking this charity coffee chat thing with a random parent seriously.
Oh, don't worry about that, it's fear of a dog's penis or something.
Airily, I waved her concerns aside.
She cocked her head to the side and looked at me long and hard.
I don't think it is. Whatever it is though, no talking about vaginismus either. Just keep it clean and funny. You are good at being funny!
She smiled as if a stray compliment might lure me off the path of shagdom.
I clucked my tongue and thought for a moment.
And you don't think she might want to watch us have a bit of a shaggy McShag?
The chances were slim but I wasn't called tenacious for nothing.
The Good Lady raised her eyes heavenward and then took a deep breath.
If you say the word 'shag' one more time you won't be seeing or having one any time soon...
She stared at me in the same way that Michael Flatley would at a truther asking him to come clean about the leprechauns.
Oh all right then. I suppose I will remain unshagged for now.
I sighed and put my guitar down wearily.
One day. One day my time will come again...
What are you like? Many have wondered this about you.
I suspect very few wives are keen on their hubbies shagging other women. You needed to be very specific about that before entering into the nuptial bollocks.
Your wife is obviously a saint.
Your guitars will never let you down.
I depend on my guitars to give me the stability I so desperately need, They never refuse me!!
I think she is a saint at times as I cant stop my mouth from bad yapping :OD
I do have to be a little careful not to always say what I'm thinking to maintain marital harmony. She does put up with my music crap and that is precious.
It is good when they do that. It took a long time for mine to get used to the music stuff but now she is relatively happy with it... (on the surface at least!)
It may be more a case of tolerate than appreciate :)
Lol, snap!
Wrong timing mate 😄
I need to get a better watch ;O)
Keep trying, one day the good lady may cave!
I am banking on it!! :OD
Horses for courses I hear!?
I believe they say "When in Rome!" 😀
At least you enjoyed shagging the Good Lady's brain 😉
Hahaha!! You have to get it where you can get it! :OD
And while you can get it
Before its too late!!! Yeek!
Remain unshag! You! Lol.... the Good Lady sure is good seeing how she warned you countless times. And you did well dishing out the stubborn kid manly attitude🤣🤣🤣.
When it comes to being a stubborn kid of a man I like to think I excel at that :OD
Haha... you sure do. 100 billion points for you 😂😂
only 100 billion?! I demand more! All the points :OD
Lol... don't be an Alpha in this case. Lol, you get 100 billion 🤣
Dammit, alright then I will settle!
I need the Good Lady to see this 🤣🤣🤣. My heart just did a crazy jump. I must have won an Oscar. Lol
I will tell her that the Blockchain lies and that anything crypto related is a crazy scam and she won't believe 🤣🤣🤣
🤣🤣🤣... gosh, you! No, she won't fall for that. She has a super power to unveil the truth, and she will.
Let's see who would have the last laugh 😂😂.
Shag as a healthy expletive, or the bird 😌? Either way good Lady is an angel no questions asked.
Them there Michael Flatley was American (he could move smoothly), not so sure he would know about leprechauns.
!BEER
All that Irish dancing, he must have entered into an accord with them. Like the devil but Oirish style :OD
And she most definitely is an infinitely patience angel!
Follow the money trail....
Angel she is, lives with you right!
Hehe, she wouldnt last fivc minutes otherwise!
Its the money trail that gives them all away! :O)
Give the gift of laughter! 🙃 money trail always gives them away!
Lol, Ahmed is terrifying! 🤣🤣
Money be the root of everything and not a lot of it ain't evil!
Decentralized run properly might root out old money tree evil.... Wouldn't that be something!
It would be, one can but hope!
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You actually disturbed the Good old lady’s brain a lot😂😂
It would be straight to the marriage counselor for me if I had this conversation with the Mrs. Or at the very lease a few days in the penalty box. Lol.
Hehe, I am not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing that she just shakes her head at such stuff and calls me a wanker 🤣🤣
😂
jJajaj Mr. boom let me tell you that looking sideways and thinking about those little things that raise our endorphins to howl with joy we have to keep them in the 33rd degree if not with the couple lol.
Love or intimacy without commitment of a couple fail and that's when infidelity, lack of communication and problems appear.
Exactly, it is healthy to keep the spark alive and keep a bit of fun as well as t'other in a relationship! hehe
https://twitter.com/jewellery_all/status/1752785511876280790
🤣
I've heard the bollocks called many things but never guitar!! A good fiddle for the Blonde bombshell eh 😋
Hahahah, I can think of a few better euphemism for my knickers than my guitar. But Imight start using that. Gotta keep shifting things about! lol :O)
The conversations you get away with are incredible 🤣😂
If she thought I was serious for a moment I would be a dead man! :OD
Haha okay. So it's one of those - you both just get each other kind of scenarios. Nice that you can joke around like that. Life is more enjoyable if you don't take it too seriously
Yeah, we are both quite good at talking the piss with what we say. Very occasionally it handles but we usually laugh about it later!
A person should always keep trying in life and one day it definitely happens that a person succeeds in life and gets the same thing that he wants all his life.
Totally, you have to be in it to win it! :OD
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Wow, I do believe that the Good Lady is an Angel. Was she glowing or had a spotlight coming down from heaven after this insane conversation? A different lady would have punished you for less.
I know she told you to keep it clean, and no talk about shagging, but would she get it/ get mad if you wear a lime green shirt and brown pants?
Maybe having the song Angel subtly playing in the background also seems apt in more ways than one.[I'm sorry, I'll show myself out]
I have made the shaggy joke many many times,lol!!
She glowed!! Might have been rage but I like to think it was angelic happiness 🤣🤣
It's funny reading the comments, they obviously don't know many Scottish marriages.
Not only do we talk like that with our wives, but in the workplace too 🤣
One day tho, keep dreaming. Of course Mrs Boom might just do the ultimate windup and get you thinking it is happening 🤣
I thought that too. They don't get the Scottish humour and the, oh lord I'm surprised you are not dead stuff. My missus would bin me of I didn't act the way I do!!!
😅😅😅😅
The good lady is quite liberal though
I don’t think this particular conversation would have gone on this long with me 😂😂😂
Haha, with my handsome winning smile you never know. It's all in the delivery 😀😀
LoL I was gonna say I would have been surprised if she was like right you won't be getting any at all the rate you're going XD
Haha, how could she deny herself such sweet nectar forever 🤣🤣!
Interesting to hear that the play date is actually for the adult and not for the kid.
Although there won't be much play involved for you, unfortunately ( or perhaps fortunately, I don't know the woman )
I think fortunately 😀
Yes, who knows that playdates could just continue into middle age!!
She knows what she has... hahaha... they say he who boasts does little. I look forward to the next post hahahaha... oh, boom, you are a special case. 😂
When will we see you play the guitar?!
I am indeed a special case!
Lol, my guitar playing is not one that I often foist upon an unsuspecting and innocent world. I try to consider other peoples ears :OD
🤣
How can they refute the obvious cure of all ails??? 😉
Done people just won't accept what's good for em!
https://twitter.com/lee19389/status/1755238877235691825
#hive #posh
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