My Dance Card is Full

I step out of the car and it smells like Christmas. It's March but I'm not in the least surprised. I have done my research on this area of the Sierra Nevadas. The abundance of conifers makes for the heady scent - or if you want the scientific basis for the glorious fragrance - hydrocarbons, specifically pinenes and limonenes combine to bring a rich bouquet of citrus and pine to the air.

I never expected to find myself 17000 kilometres from Durban, the place of my birth, but here I am, some fifty years later, following a tug that pulls me halfway around the world from my current home near London.

I'm still jetlagged, to tell the truth. I've been in the country barely forty-eight hours and, apart from a few hours of sleep, have not stopped since the plane's wheels hit the tarmac in L.A. Today was no different. I spent the day in the San Fernando Valley, with four strangers, braving the rides at Universal Studios. And now, after a final thrilling ride up the mountain pass, I am deposited at the doorstep of my temporary home in the mountains for the next two weeks. I've come here to meet someone and, because I'm searching for something, although right now, I'm not exactly sure what it is. What I don't yet realise is that I first need to make space on my dance card. I will later discover, that the something I am seeking out, has already marked out a permanent spot for Himself and I am destined to meet my Prince at the ball.

Life has a funny way of slowing you down when you need it. When I feel the need to pause and gather my thoughts, I'm drawn to the mountains. Nature beckons and I respond. The elements combine and conspire to mesmerise and re-energise. They ground me when life throws me more curveballs than I am capable of hitting, without being three and out, and headed back to the dugout with nothing to show for my efforts. Being up in the mountains, reconnecting with the earth, gazing out over the panoramic vistas that greet me, the rewards are priceless, and the grounding more intense and healing. It's a gift; this privilege of being privy to a view of creation from a perspective that only serves to fill me with awe. And under the cover of darkness, beauty prevails as the Milky Way burns bright from the inside.

I wake in the morning and get ready for the day. A friend will be fetching me for breakfast and I decide to wait outside in the sunshine. The air is cool and refreshing and the mountain breeze whispers to me of things that have remained unspoken for too long. Arms spread wide, head thrown back, eyes closed, I welcome it in. I imagine my lungs now adorned with the scent of Christmas, and it feels good. I am happy. That's an excellent start!

Just beyond the roadside, a small river flows gently through the remote community, winding its way effortlessly down the mountain. It reminds me of the intrinsic power of nature. Still waters run deep, right? In one instant it can appear so serene, yet still have the life force of blood; and the capacity to direct and carve out its own path in history. I sense a kinship. I'm on my own journey, in search of my own path, but unlike the billions of water droplets in the river, I'm rather keen to look back up towards the source. To understand where I started before I can understand if I end.

As I sit down inside my friend's home, she places another log on the fire. The conversation flows - light and easy as we weave effortlessly around each other. There is a sense of belonging here. This place feels like home. I stare at the glowing embers reflecting off the glass. The flames lick gently around the dry wood, crackling before slowly devouring them. There is a mix of hard and soft timber - logs and kindling - placed just right so that they will burn for some time. I'm a fire sign - born under the constellation of Leo. Maybe that's why I can sit around a firepit for hours, and just be. As I lose myself in the dancing flames, I feel a spark of a different kind igniting something deep within.

The days pass in a whirlwind of deep conversation, joyful laughter, exploration, and a sharing of life. At night I am completely removed from civilisation. No internet, no mobile reception. Just me and the four walls of my room. I read mostly... and I think. There is a lot of time to think, to contemplate... when every distraction of life is removed. I feel myself changing, connecting with something much bigger than myself, but I'm still conflicted. I have a lot of pain and shame to work through; many years of conditioning to unravel. Too much time was spent suffering instead of surrendering. I'm moved to the point of tears. I weep long and hard, but I'm still not quite ready. I leave the mountain two weeks later having followed a trail of breadcrumbs halfway around the world, knowing that somewhere there was a loaf to be found.

There has to be something more than just the elements that make up our world. There has to be something more ethereal that brought meaning to life. I already believe in God, and that belief has never left me, not since I was little, but what was I missing? I know now that I had come face to face with what I was seeking but that the mind is a worthy opponent, not to be underestimated, and it would take another three months before I knew for certain what that something was. They were three very long months.

When I flew out of LAX, I barely made it through security before I collapsed against a wall and sank to my knees in tears. I sobbed and I didn't care who saw. I had a hole in my heart the size of California... and that's pretty big if you know the State. I arrived home with such immense sadness, an emptiness that I couldn't fill because I had left a piece of my heart halfway around the world, but I knew it was in good hands. I missed my new friend. I missed the mountains. And I knew I was missing something else too.

In search of truth, of something that made sense, I went down the rabbit hole and back again... a number of times. One weekend in June I watched a film based on a true story that would turn everything on its head for me... but I was still wrestling with myself and, off the back of that movie, I would end up pulling an all-nighter exploring ... I paged back and forth in the ESV reading passages that made me emotional... and then the crux... The Blessing... a song so beautiful it made me cry. And in that moment I knew... that I would never know enough. Never have enough proof. But it was no longer about proof. It was about how I felt, and the change I had felt from within was undeniable. I felt grounded. At peace. It was enough. I had discovered the fifth element for myself, and Faith would close the remaining gap. I finally realised that I wasn't waiting for Him to open the door. It had been open all along. The light was on and He was simply waiting for me to walk through.

Swift to their several quarters hasted then
The cumbrous elements—Earth, Flood, Air, Fire;
And this ethereal quintessence of Heaven
Flew upward, spirited with various forms,
That rolled orbicular, and turned to stars.
_{John Milton, Paradise Lost, Book 3}