I Am #AliveAndThriving Today! || #IAmAliveChallenge || Daily Off-Grid Jungle Journal Entry: Day #539 - WARNING: Uncomfortable Sharing, the Shards of a Broken Heart - GaiaYoga Gardens, Lower Puna, Far East Big Island, Hawai'i - Thursday, January 18, 2024

I live barefooted and naked, very close to Earth and Nature, in an 18-acre, off-grid, clothing-optional, food-forest intentional community (GaiaYoga Gardens), way out in the jungles of Lower Puna, far East Big Island, Hawai'i. I love my life, and I'm immensely grateful to live where and how I do, on my own terms! I would not want to live any other way! 😁🙏💚⚡💥🔥✴️✳️❇️👣🌱✨🤙

Warm greetings all! 😁🙏💚✨🤙

This isn't going to be a easy post for me to write, and honestly I don't even really know how to do it, but I'll make an attempt, doing the best I can. There's so much here to express that it may overflow into more than one post. Since this is a daily jounrnal, and I always want to be authentic, genuine, open, honest, and real, at times I'm going to share things that are uncomfortable, or which are difficult for me to put into words. Given that healing my broken heart is at top of my list of 2024 Life Goals, I intend to give it more attention and focus, though that's not really the easiest thing to do. This will be my first attempt to put what I feel, and what I've discovered inside myself, into words.

For those that have followed me for a while, you know that these Daily Off-Grid Jungle Journal Entry posts originated about a year and a half ago, under another name, as a way for me to express and process the confusion, pain, and grief of the end of my relationship with my ex-girlfriend, Kai, who broke up with me five days before my 50th birthday, for somebody else. Yeah, that hit really hard, because I loved her deeply, and I was strongly devoted to her. Slightly more than a month after the breakup, I moved back to the jungle here at GaiaYoga Gardens, where I've been ever since. The past year, while there has indeed been great beauty, has also been very challenging for me. As I've said a few times now, all the love and devotion that I had for Kai was transfered to Hive, as strange as that may sound. While this has had a very beneficial effect of allowing me to build and grow my Hive account immensely, it also means that I pulled back from life and connections with people to a large degree. There were also a few other very painful, heartbreaking experiences that I've had in the last year too, that have only deepened this heartbreak, from losing two little girls from my life that I loved very much (like daughters), to having my sweet little kitten friend become crippled and die in the span of a few months, as well as seeing what such a deeply broken heart has done to my body in just a year's time.

I'm still not able to surmount or transform the feeling that Kai was the last close, intimate relationship with a woman that I'll have in this lifetime. This breakup felt different than any previous one. There are a lot of layers and threads to why I feel this way, which is why it's been so difficult to fully put into words. For my own healing, however, I've had to dive into the uncomfortable depth of each one, to fully understand why it is that I feel the way I do.

Why do I feel that I'm going to be alone and solitary the rest of my life?

• After the breakup with Kai (her given name was Emily), I don't know if I'm willing to trust a woman again to open my heart to another actual partnership, to give so much of my time, attention, care, love, and efforts, to someone that will, in the end, simply leave me. In most of my previous relationships, I've been the one left and abandoned. That leaves a mark.

• I don't feel attractive or desirable to women at all anymore. That feeling has been common in my experience, even when I turned out to be wrong. With how deeply my heart is broken, and how much I've pulled back and withdrawn from life, focusing so exclusively on Hive (and Arch Linux, Qortal, and the like), I've lost a lot of my muscle mass, and I have a bit of a tummy now, and along with the gray hair and wrinkles, any confidence that I once had with women is gone. I can barely look at myself in a mirror as of late. Given that we trasmit to others how we feel, if I don't feel attractive or desirable, I can't project that. It feels like mutual attraction is dead.

• Finding someone that is truly aligned with my unique being seems very, very, very unlikely. I'm a starseed conspiracy realist living naked and barefooted off grid in an intentional community in the jungle, with a deep love and passion for plants, sovereignty-driven technology, my healing work with women (this is another reason I need to heal my connection with women, because I'm not giving any sessions as of late), The Great Awakening, as well as living a truly balanced, integral, whole, and vital life are of immense importance to me.

• I'm very rarely attracted to women who are around my chronological age. I've never thought about chronological age much in my life, always being very healthy, vital, strong, flexible, agile, with most of the women with whom I've been close or in intimate relationship often being 10, 15, sometimes even 20 years chronologically younger than me. I can't make myself be attracted to someone that I'm not.

• In a very significant way, I gave up on my dreams. In this Great Awakening, in which I've learned that many of the things in which I believed, and that I gave my love, passion, time, energy, and efforts, were in fact based on lies, or were, like many seemingly organic social movements, injected into human consciousness, or later co-opted, to cause harm and conflict that could then be exploited further down the timeline, I've had many illusions shattered. Living here at GaiaYoga has also disillusioned me quite a lot around my desire to co-create intentional community. Because of that, big, important elements of my dreams were punctured and deflated, leaving me in a bizarre in between place, where I'm still drawn to certain things, while knowing that their present expression is not for anyone's benefit, me included. My perspective has shifted so greatly in the last few years, that I barely know where or who I am now. Polyamory and open sexuality are very notable ones, but there are others too. That is more than a little problematic in connecting with people and forming intimate relationships.

• I never had children or started a family, which makes me feel very sad, in part because my family line seems like it's going to die out with my brother (who married a woman who got her tubes tied) and me. It's kind of ridiculous that I feel the desire to have children and form a family at this point in my life, but yeah, that's there too.

There's more, but those are the giant, glaring, in-my-face ones of which I'm presently aware, and that I don't yet know how to heal, change, shift, resolve, or reconcile. I just felt the need to get this out in the open, to perhaps start airing everything out, and getting energy moving and flowing once again. I don't know how to reconcile this present version of me with what I most desire for myself and my life. It seems like an unsolvable problem. I do very much need to heal this, however, as I've barely left the property in the last year, basically just staying to myself with my daily jungle and Hive tasks. While I do love GaiaYoga and how I live here, there are also many aspects that make it very, very challenging, and which leave me feeling pretty hopeless, sad, frustrated, angry, and depressed. I've always been equally 'I love it here!' and 'what the fuck!' living here. I have more freedom, power, and autonomy to live closer to how I actually want to live than anywhere else I've ever lived, so I've called this wild, raw, intense, jagged, beautiful, harsh, powerful, and amazing, place home for more than 5 years now. One day, and one task, at a time.

I know that this wasn't an inspiring or motivating post, and for that I apologize. There are just some important things that I needed to get off my chest. If you've actually read this far, thank you. I feel pretty self-conscious and embarrassed to express all this, but what else do I have to lose? Nothing. So here it is, in all its sad, shocking, broken, and depressing glory. Now to heal this shit.

I left the Flow House around 3PM yesterday, Thursday, jumping right into land work, as I had taken the photos for this post in the morning. The only task I did yesterday (because of my partially-usable hand, from the machete accident) was to paint a borax solution on several new bamboo beams and rafters in Sperry's new place, the Fuschia Phoenix, to stop powderpost beetles from destroying them. I lived in this building three times previously, before it was rebuilt and got a new name. Sperry and I talked while I worked. He also helped me move his bed around, so I could put the ladder where I needed. The whole process tooke me about two hours.

After working, I took a shower, strained out kefir for my kefir-honey-cinnamon-cacao blend, made myself a little food, grabbed my leftover superfood fire coffee from the Landing fridge, then I returned to the Flow House for my evening round of Hive tasks, and catching up on my notifications. My machete wound is healing quickly, and I have almost complete use of my hand again. My thumb still hurts a little, but it's improving quickly. I took off the bandage this morning, and it's actually looking really good, thankfully. I finished up everything on Hive by 10PM, which was great, then after a round of token management, I scanned my X feed until around 12AM, when I finally went bed. I woke up just before 4AM, and noticing that the solar electrical system crashed, I turned on the generator for a while. While I had intended to go back to sleep, that didn't happen, so I did another round of token management, then finally got out bed again to go turn off the generator and make my superfood fire coffee.

It's just after 1PM, so a great time to end this post, so that I can get to my afternoon round of essential Hive tasks, before leaving the Flow House in the later afternoon, to first take photos for tomorrow's incarnation of this post, and then to focus on land work. I deeply appreciate you all very much! Until tomorrow! Forward, onward, and upward, joyfully together! 😁 🙏 💚 ✨ 🤙

2024 Life Goals

1.) Heal my broken heart. 

2.) Bring myself and my life back into balance, integration, and wholeness, and do regular integral practices. 

3.) Make my plant nursery beautiful again. 

4.) Prepare regular batches of my medicinal teas collected from the land again. 

5.) Continue my work with Arch Linux, Hive, Qortal, Bastyon, and other sovereignty-driven technologies, as well as learn relevant coding/programming languages to more fully contribute. 

6.) Get regular healing sessions with women flowing again. 

All photos were taken with my Motorola G Power Android Phone.

Thank you all so much who have helped me get to where I am today, and allowing me to share more of the beauty and magic from my life and my world with you, and for your continuous appreciation and support! I am truly deeply grateful! 😁🙏💚✨🤙

If you'd like to find me on other alternative platforms where I have accounts (I spend most of my time here on Hive), click on this signature image below to go to my LinkTree page.

If you'd like to send me a BTC Lighting Tip (made possible by the fantastic work of brianoflondon on @v4vapp), just scan the QR image below. 👇

Signature image created by @doze, and the dividers made by @thepeakstudio, with all tweaked to their present form by me.