I Am #AliveAndThriving Today! || #IAmAliveChallenge || Daily Off-Grid Jungle Journal Entry: Day #599 - Sticking Points - GaiaYoga Gardens, Lower Puna, Far East Big Island, Hawai'i - Monday, March 18, 2024

I live naked and barefooted, very close to Earth and Nature, in an 18-acre, off-grid, clothing-optional, food-forest intentional community (GaiaYoga Gardens), way out in the jungles of Lower Puna, far East Big Island, Hawai'i, and I have for more than 5 years now. Although there are many challenges, I love my life, and I'm immensely grateful to live where and how I do, on my own terms! I would not want to live any other way! 😁🙏💚⚡💥🔥✴️✳️❇️👣🌱✨🤙

Warm greetings all! 😁🙏💚✨🤙

Hello, my name is Tydyn, and I'm a goddess worshiper (among other many things), with immense love, care, respect, reverence, and yes, attraction to women. I also of course have a deep vocation and work with women as well, in which I help them heal and to come back to themselves, in the deep, integral energy-body-tantric healing work sessions that I offer and give them. That's all profoundly beautiful to me.

The problem is that to be able to flow with women, in general and personally, in a way that feels good to me, I need to feel attractive, desirable, and sexy, which in the past year-and-a-half of my broken-hearted dark night of the soul, has not been the case at all. Quite the opposite. Yes, I'll always support and help women in any way I can, but if I'm shut down, with my heart sun dark or very dim, feeling undesirable, wilted, they're only getting a tiny little barely-alive piece of me.

I'm going to be honest, when I see and hear about men and women connecting in a romantic, sexual, and erotic manner here, especially those that have only recently arrived, and I've been here for over 5 years, it make my heart go numb, because it makes me believe that mutual attraction is dead and gone for me, never to be seen again. That kills me, and makes me want to stay away from people entirely. I'm being way more open and honest here about all this, because if this is truly going to be a daily journal, then I have to be real, and not sugar coat things. Yes, living at GaiaYoga Gardens is and has been amazing, and it's also been hugely challenging, and quite frankly, lonely. Yes, I've connected with women here in that way before, but very rarely. I met and connected with my ex-girlfriend here, but that is not the norm at all.

Yes, women love and appreciate me. That I can easily feel, but for the most part I don't experience the kind of connections and relationships that I truly most want. At least I haven't in most of my almost six years in Hawai'i. I've tended to assume women have no interest, so I reject myself before I allow them to do so. I don't put myself out there with women. I don't express attraction or desire, because I am usually pretty sure that it would not be reciprocated. I can feel female attraction and arousal pretty easily, so I'm not just guessing in this regard. Doing it this way doesn't honor me, or the women for whom I feel such things, however.

The stupid thing is that, during the almost two weeks that my heart sun reignited, and my masculine electric fire was blasting out in all directions, all of my interactions, connections, and relationship with the women here dramatically shifted in an exquisite and juicy direction, and incredibly quickly, from one day to the next. I could even feel erotic energy flowing. So I know that so much of this difficulty is my own perception of myself. What I think and feel about myself. If I feel undesirable and ugly, I project it. If I feel desirable and sexy, I project that. Women respond to me in alignment with how I feel about myself.

When my heart is fully open, my heart sun is radiation its potent loving masculine electric fire, and I feel beautiful, attractive, desirable, and sexy, I flow very easefully with women indeed. The sticking point though is that aside from my heart sun igniting just a short time ago for almost two weeks, and experiencing a level of fun, fulfillment, connection, and excitement with women that reminded me of what is possible for me, I have not experienced anything even remotely interesting in that regard in almost two years. So even though I can clearly see that if I change how I see myself, and open my heart fully, allowing my heart sun to shine, that my interactions, connections, and relationships with women, in generally and individually, would radically shift for the better and improve in all ways, I still get triggered when I see or hear about women to whom I am strongly attracted, connecting with other men in a way that I want to connect with them, because my system interprets it as rejection. That's what triggers my heart to go numb and to close. It's not so much even that they are connecting in that way, but rather that I am seemingly overlooked or ignored, and that I'm not part of the erotic potential and flow.

So it would seem that I am needing patience, and to not take women's connections with other men as an inherent rejection of me. It seems that even when I beginning to flow well with women once again, that if during that initial stage the women with whom I am connecting connect with other men in the way that I want to connect with them, that I get triggered, shut down, and withdraw, because I feel like I'm being directly rejected, which may not be the case at all, but that's all I see when it happens. Expressing and writing this all out is helpful, because I am able to see and feel what's going on more clearly. God how I wish I could just be done with this already, so I could get to what I am actually wanting, but yeah, that's not how this works. Sigh.

Keeping my heart fully open, and my heart sun shining bright, through all this is incredibly not easy, but that's apparently what I'm being called to do. Talk about advanced life lessons, holy jumping fuckmiffins!

Yesterday, Monday, was not a very fun or fulfilling day overall. It was sunny and warm at least. Eyeza left GaiaYoga Gardens, which hit kind of hard. So few people end up staying here, which makes me feel really sad. I strained out kefir from my kefir-honey-cinnamon-cacao blend, put another round of silicone at the apex of the Flow House tarp roof to stop the few leaks that remain, and I did some weeding (that Melekai had started) in the garden next to Tutu's. Since there are Immersion classes going on for the next two weeks, there was no morning Leadership Council meeting, and I skipped the evening logistics meeting (because my heart was pretty numb and I didn't feel like being around people). After weeding in Tutu's garden, I took a shower, made food, and headed back up to the Flow House for my evening round of Hive tasks and catching up on notifications. I got everything on Hive done by around 9:30PM, and after a quick round of token management, I went to bed around 10PM. I slept well until around 4AM, then unable to sleep more, I began a round of token management, then I started writing this post.

It's now just after 7:30AM, so a great time to end this post, so that I can get up to go make my superfood fire coffee, and get a few important Hive tasks done before my session with Harmony. I had a session with Tiger Heart scheduled, but since we weren't able to sit down to talk about the session container and parameters, I canceled it for now, and swapped in Harmony, with whom I've worked many times, and who very much wanted another session. In any case, I just have a few things to do, on and off Hive, before I give a session, so I shall take my leave now! I deeply appreciate you all so very much! Until tomorrow! Forward, onward, and upward, joyfully together! 😁 🙏 💚 ✨ 🤙

2024 Life Goals

1.) Heal my broken heart and embody a solid, healthy masculine. 

2.) Bring myself and my life back into balance, integration, and wholeness. 

3.) Do regular integral practices again. 

4.) Make my plant nursery beautiful again. 

5.) Prepare regular batches of my medicinal teas collected from the land again. 

6.) Begin learning relevant coding/programming languages to more fully contribute to the sovereignty-driven technologies where I am active, like Arch Linux, Hive, Qortal, DeSo, and Bastyon. 

7.) Get regular deep, integral energy-body-tantric work healing sessions with women flowing again.

8.) Live as an integral part of a juicy heart-resonant soul tribe community, with deep, coherent, mutual and shared passion, purpose, mission, love, warmth, care, sweetness, reverence, respect, aliveness, admiration, excitement, joy, playfulness, work, attraction, all-level connections, and relationships. 

9.) Make love with the women that I love every day.

All photos were taken with my Motorola G Power Android Phone.

Thank you all so much who have helped me get to where I am today, and allowing me to share more of the beauty and magic from my life and my world with you, and for your continuous appreciation and support! I am truly deeply grateful! 😁🙏💚✨🤙

If you'd like to find me on other alternative platforms where I have accounts (I spend most of my time here on Hive), click on this signature image below to go to my LinkTree page.

If you'd like to send me a BTC Lighting Tip (made possible by the fantastic work of brianoflondon on @v4vapp), just scan the QR image below. 👇

Signature image created by @doze, and the dividers made by @thepeakstudio, with all tweaked to their present form by me.