I Am #AliveAndThriving Today! || #IAmAliveChallenge || Daily Off-Grid Jungle Journal Entry: Day #602 - Struggling to Stay Open - GaiaYoga Gardens, Lower Puna, Far East Big Island, Hawai'i - Thursday, March 21, 2024

I live naked and barefooted, very close to Earth and Nature, in an 18-acre, off-grid, clothing-optional, food-forest intentional community (GaiaYoga Gardens), way out in the jungles of Lower Puna, far East Big Island, Hawai'i, and I have for more than 5 years now. Although there are many challenges, I love my life, and I'm immensely grateful to live where and how I do, on my own terms! I would not want to live any other way! 😁🙏💚⚡💥🔥✴️✳️❇️👣🌱✨🤙

Warm greetings all! 😁🙏💚✨🤙

While my heart-healing process is progressing, and there are better days of more easeful flow, there are also other days when the trigger sticking points hit hard, and I just want to shut down and withdraw, getting as far away from people as I can. Yeah, this still isn't easy at times.

The agony of having to watch women to whom I'm strongly attracted, and with whom I want to connect, connecting with other men, while for me it seems that mutual attraction is dead and gone forever, and as such I'll quite likely be alone, solitary, and sexless the rest of my life, is very very, very challenging indeed. Other than that devestatingly tragic reality, I'm great.

If that for which I most long seems never to find fulfillment now, how am I supposed to keep my heart open or have any excitement at all for meeting and connecting with people? If I'm too old, ugly, and undesirable now, then I'd rather just be a hermit, staying completely to myself. The problem with that is that is that I don't want to be a hermit, and I have gifts, lots of them, to share. Women love me, true, which is truly beautiful, it's just not in the way that I want, which ain't too fun, I gotta say.

It's interesting that the last time that I made love with a woman (the morning of July 24, 2022, with my ex-girlfriend Kai) is also around the same time that I stopped dancing...and I loved dancing. I also stopped going to any kind of social events, the beach, or spending time with people. I put my focus instead on Hive, Qortal, Arch Linux, and the other sovereignty-driven technologies, that for me were far more dependable and reliable than people.

If mutual attraction is truly dead, with the exquisite dance of the Masculine and the Feminine coming to an end, and I actually am going to be alone for the rest of my life, then pretty much all inspiration, motivation, or excitement that I have to spend time with people disappears. Sad, but true. Given that I haven't experienced mutual attraction in almost two years now, going out and being social loses it's appeal.

Obviously in this post I'm expressing more pessimistic perspectives and feelings, but that's what's present and real inside me this morning. I don't mean to bring anybody down, and if I have, I deeply apologize. I just had some unpleasant things on my chest to express. Healing isn't always fun or easy, that is for sure.

I had a session with Sara yesterday, which thankfully went very well. I was a little nervous, with a bit of trepidation, going into the session, because I knew that she had many very traumatic experiences from childhood, and that I had to take great care with her. Everything flowed very well, with her wanting to work with me again on Tuesday. She left the Flow House happy, grateful, and way more noodly, than before the session, which is music to my heart. After the session, Iolanthe (Ano and Melekai's 11-year-old daughter) wanted me to spend some time with her, pushing her on the indoor swing in Tutu's, talking, going for a visit to the fenced garden, and walking around. After hanging out with Io for a while, I strained out two batches of kefir (Zai wanted some, too, so I strained out double the usual) for my kefir-honey-cinnamon-cacao blend. Once the kefir was done, I gratefully ate a bowl of delicious food that Sara had made for me. After eating, Sara and Bryan (her partner) went to the Casbah for a creativity-sharing community event. Even though Sara wanted me to go (she was going to play some songs that she wrote), I decided instead to return to the Flow House to get to my evening round of Hive tasks and catching up on notifications. Since I started later than usual (just after 8PM), and because I was feeling a bit down, I was only able to get to within about 10 hours of being fully caught up. After a quick round of token management, I went to bed just after 11PM. I did seemingly sleep well, waking up quite a bit before sunrise, and unable to sleep more, I did a round of token management, and then I started on this post.

It's now just before 8:15AM, so a good time to end this post, so that I can get to a few important Hive tasks, get up to go make my superfood fire coffee, then prepare for my session with Souzi at 1PM. I deeply appreciate you all so very much! Until tomorrow! Forward, onward, and upward, joyfully together! 😁 🙏 💚 ✨ 🤙

2024 Life Goals

1.) Heal my broken heart and embody a solid, healthy masculine. 

2.) Bring myself and my life back into balance, integration, and wholeness. 

3.) Do regular integral practices again. 

4.) Make my plant nursery beautiful again. 

5.) Prepare regular batches of my medicinal teas collected from the land again. 

6.) Begin learning relevant coding/programming languages to more fully contribute to the sovereignty-driven technologies where I am active, like Arch Linux, Hive, Qortal, DeSo, and Bastyon. 

7.) Get regular deep, integral energy-body-tantric work healing sessions with women flowing again.

8.) Live as an integral part of a juicy heart-resonant soul tribe community, with deep, coherent, mutual and shared passion, purpose, mission, love, warmth, care, sweetness, reverence, respect, aliveness, admiration, excitement, joy, playfulness, work, attraction, all-level connections, and relationships. 

9.) Make love with the women that I love every day.

All photos were taken with my Motorola G Power Android Phone.

Thank you all so much who have helped me get to where I am today, and allowing me to share more of the beauty and magic from my life and my world with you, and for your continuous appreciation and support! I am truly deeply grateful! 😁🙏💚✨🤙

If you'd like to find me on other alternative platforms where I have accounts (I spend most of my time here on Hive), click on this signature image below to go to my LinkTree page.

If you'd like to send me a BTC Lighting Tip (made possible by the fantastic work of brianoflondon on @v4vapp), just scan the QR image below. 👇

Signature image created by @doze, and the dividers made by @thepeakstudio, with all tweaked to their present form by me.