Being a Man
"Being a man is more than having muscles and a handsome face. It's having the courage to stand up for what you believe is right and having the strength to admit when you are wrong." - Usher Raymond
Over the course of the last few weeks I have been involved in a number of conversations - both here and elsewhere - about what it means to be a man. The initial conversation started with the current theatre play I am working on, Reasons to be Pretty, and extended beyond that.
In the play, the protagonist - Greg - makes an offhand comment about his girlfriend: "Sure, she has a regular face, but I wouldn't trade her for a million bucks!". His girlfriend - Stephanie - hears about the comment and takes exception to it on the grounds of "Why don't you think I'm beautiful?" and breaks up with him.
Greg's best friend, Kent, is an "alpha male" in the strictest sense of the term. Greg spends the duration of the play coming to grips with who he is, his relationship and, ultimately, what it means to be "a man."
(I won't spoil the play; If you'd like to know more, come watch! We open on Friday).
I grew up in what could best be defined as a dysfunctional household. My parents divorced when I was 3. My sister and I grew up with my mom and saw my dad occasionally. Not often.
My dad's views on "manhood" were very simple: men were in charge of the house. They earned money. They did not show emotion other than happiness. They "did what needed to be done." Before marriage they slept around - the more the better.
Women, conversely, were the opposite: a housewife could be in charge of the house, but only if her husband allowed it (it was a privilege that could be revoked or over ruled). They stayed home. They were allowed and expected to be emotional (it was their natural state, after all). And they absolutely did not sleep around before marriage - they were expected to be pure. Talk about a dichotomy! I don't know where these women were to come from if men were expected to sleep about.
Girls played with feminine toys, like dolls. Boys played with masculine toys, like trucks, trains, and action figures (which really were just dolls, but with a different name, which made them very different).
The other issue that I faced as a child was that my mother was highly emotional. She did burst into tears, yell, and scream on a routine basis. There's nothing wrong with tears at all, but she was not able to control herself and, most importantly, during these outbursts she would blame men - all men - for her plight in life.
That left me hung in the balance. I kinda knew a lot of what my dad said was full of shit, but at least he was calm about it. I never knew what to think of my mom's hysterical outbursts, particularly when one of her favourite answers to me asking what was wrong was to say "If you need to ask, there's no point in me telling you."
Well, okay.
Fast forward to today and, as the song says, "I'm a man, way past 21," and I have a few thoughts on the matter and, what I can tell you, is that "being a man" in this day and age should not be difficult but, surprisingly, is.
Put most grown males in a room with other males who are physically superior specimens and he will begin to feel inadequate, or inferior. It's true.
Put a man in a room with several women and chances are he's double guessing what he's allowed to say. Can I compliment someone? How will it be taken? As it was intended? Or as a pick up line?
Offering assistance to a stranger can also be a losing scenario. Maybe the stranger will accept the offer as it was intended, or maybe stranger will get offended on the grounds "I can do it myself!" I've been the victim of that, offering to help a woman with her arms full of items down a narrow stair case.
Do we try to act chivalrous? Or is that outdated? It's a crapshoot.
Something I have never told any of my boys is to "be a man" because, personally, I think the term is confusing enough for me that I wouldn't be able to explain to them what it meant. Instead I tell them to "Be responsible. Be respectful. Make the best choices you can." Honestly, I've told that to my daughter, too. I don't see it being any different.
So, ultimately, what does "being a man" mean? I think it means exactly the same as "being a woman."
- Be respectful to others.
- Be courteous.
- Make the best decisions you can.
- Raise your children, don't babysit them.
- Work in tandem with those who are with you.
- Lead when you must lead. Follow when you must follow.
- Be the best you can be every day, and strive to be better tomorrow.
And remember what Randy Savage said: Macho men are expected to experience the entire range of emotions. It's healthy. Just keep getting up every day.
(c) All images and photographs, unless otherwise specified, are created and owned by me.
(c) Victor Wiebe
About Me
Sometimes photographer. Wannabe author. Game designer. Nerd.
General all around problem-solver and creative type.
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A man should mainly live and think for himself .He wants to cry, let him cry.
Yep, exactly. Everyone should be free to feel how they want.
Perhaps we should say be a hu-man and figure out what that means?
Gender stereotyping is unfair for kids. The end. People shouldn't be confined to little boxes forever because of their bits.
To be an intelligent, ambitious woman in your mom's era - with dreams and hopes? Must have been soul destroying!
Tt makes me sad that so many "housewives" were anxious, depressed and miserable because they just didn't have the opportunity to actually live their lives. See? Imagine knowing that is your prison. That's your place. And if you rail and cry against it? Well... you're a "hysterical" woman, no?
Torture. Captivity and torture.
And it leaves generations with the trauma.
All because of gender stereotyping.
I think it's time we got over ourselves and started letting people be who they are regardless of gender or race or age or whatever. Really past due!
Being human? To me?
Well...
if we have all of this "consciousness", the ability to rationalise and question then I think "Be a (hu)man" should be kinda like:
So maybe "be a man" is that as well. But without the gender stereotyping?
But I'm not sure I'm human. I couldn't get the animal lock on the bin open the other day :D
You know, I will not argue with that at all. Not one bit. But I honestly wasn't referring to her distress toward society; I was more referring to her actions toward me. I understand the really shitty situation she was in, having just escaped a racist, sexist husband and trying to raise two children as a secretary - no issue there. But one of the repercussions of her tirades against men was that I spent my formative years feeling guilty for simply existing, as if I was the one responsible for her lot in life.
It took me awhile to get over that and learn better.
I could have phrased all that better, and knew I could have after I submitted, but at least you're allowing me an opportunity to better explain. My primary emotion as a child was guilt for other people's actions then, when I realised it, it was anger. Now I'm passed that entirely and, hopefully, raising my own children to be better than me. "Learn and do better every day" really is a mantra of mine.
The only gender differences we really ought to pay any attention to revolve around procreation. Hopefully we as a society can reach that.
Terrible situation :(
And it's always the kids who suffer "unconscious" parenting as we parents figure our stuff out :/ Or sometimes not.
Our parents were pretty clueless, huh?
I do hope you didn't misunderstand my response... I'm not justifying her reactions. This happens because parents don't deal with their own stuff and don't see kids as separate individuals. Often we make them responsible for our challenges - often accidentally.
Because we don't know better ourselves.
Parenting is a learned skill... yet we allow anyone to breed without much thought, support or training. And it's arguably the biggest responsibility a person is afforded.
I did this, btw. I accidentally left my kids with some trauma because I was busy trying to survive in many ways myself and I wasn't skilled enough to know how to hold them through things.
Children always internalise their parents stress and struggles btw - it's a commonly known fact in psychology. Kids always feel it's their fault and if they only did things differently their parents would be happier. Awful!
This is how developmental and relational trauma works.
Yet we then allow the kids to think there is something wrong with them because we don't own our stuff. Which is also how trauma "works" - the denial protects the person who has it. So they then accidentally pass it on because of avoidance and the actual mechanics of how trauma "works".
It's usually not even anyone's intention or fault either. Just lack of understanding and skill.
And so it goes for generations... which is how multi-generational trauma "works". See?
What I was trying to say is that your mom had trauma and that this was not your fault. She was trying to survive and unskilled in holding you through her own struggles...
But I didn't add those words. My mistake and I do apologise.
I repeat these phrases over and over again to clients I'm working with specifically for this reason.
"There is nothing wrong with you".
And
"It's not your fault" -> this one makes them look at me a bit strangely but it also makes them go quiet. Strangely because, at first, they don't understand why I keep saying to them. Quiet - because they "know" at their very core that they really need to hear this.
Long story short.
There is nothing wrong with you.
And
It's not your fault.
It never was ❤️
Under that anger (which is a healthy reaction, btw) is probably grief...
if you get to that one and grieve it...
you may find a new level of peace and mental/emotional "sobriety" / stability that you never thought was possible.
It's a big loss, you know.
Not being fully accepted, loved and given the support and space to safely be you. Massive.
And all because a couple of adults were not healed enough to provide this.
So no. I would respectfully disagree. I think people should be treated, healed and upskilled before they are allowed to procreate.
That's an interesting idea. I've had similar in other areas, such as requiring basic civics exams before a person is allowed to vote, or even drive a car.
😆
Can you imagine!
But then freedom first... of course. Still... for th greater good of the whole maybe... a person who can't drive shouldn't be allowed to drive a car and all that.
I dunno. I'd never go into politics or government for this exact reason 😬
I had friends with a similar childhood to yours with respect to you and how you will have felt being alive.
I wish I could see the play, but a far bit to travel!
Being a man, well I think we just be the best version of whatever we are!
I can give you a picture anyway!
Man, this last week has been crazy getting that ready. I finally had a few extra hours today and I spent it sleeping.
Yes, quite often, the best we can do is make the best decisions we can on a daily basis.
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First of all good luck with the play and I am sure that everything will run smoothly!
Being a man, I imagine changes with generations. Things are different now, and I wonder what will happen in the next generation.
Man, that's heavy.
You really opened up there, chapeu!
It's a very difficult topic. Times have been changing for very long and still are.
For one thing it is hard to fight our nature, thousands of years of assigned roles are hard to overcome. Then again, it's in my opinion a matter of how we are raised and what we experience(d). And the last few generations did change a lot.
And over time it will balance out again and we will be allowed to help someone, not because of their gender but because we are polite. Like most things it just needs time.
I'm gonna stop here, before it turns into a posting of its own.
TLDR: Give it time.
Enjoy your sunday.
!Luv
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It's funny how we have flashbacks to certain aspects of our lives that have made an impact on us. I had a few lately, which was the impetus behind this particular post. Getting it out there, though, actually really helps.
Thank you for reading! And apologies for the tardy reply. I've got some serious catching up to do!
Indeed it does. 😀
No worries, I've been there 😉 Still do 😅
It's funny you write this...I have this exact topic coming up in one of my #weekend-engagement concept posts.
Hah! That is funny. I've been busy enough that I might just use this post for your community! 😂
(kidding, of course; I'm still recovering from the freight train that was this last week, but will be catching up on things soon enough!)
I hope you get caught up. All the best for the weekend.
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I like your list of how to live, whether male or female. The women's liberation movement really caused more problems than it solved. It left men unsure of how to conduct themselves toward women, as you described. Women are left with a similar insecurity nowadays. If they really want to stay home and raise a family, will they be looked down on by those who desire a career outside the home? Women are now apparently supposed to look sexy, work out at the gym, have a full-time career, and have babies that get dropped off at a daycare and raised by someone else. This, too, is confusing.
I remember a female classmate in the 1970s who spoke disparagingly of the "Susie Homemaker" kind of girl. I don't think she ever married or had children. She had a career instead, and that was right for her. I never wanted a career, but went to college because it was expected of me, taught school for a few years, didn't like it, got married, and stayed home to raise three children. That was right for me.